I Love Donald Trump

OMG I love Donald Trump!!!! Thank god for Donald Trump!!!! Why? Because hating him is what he wants from us. Hating him gives him the fuel for his fire. When the media reports the hate from the left, it fuels the right to hate right back. All hate matters y’all.

I see him as a human being. A sick human being. Like seriously, you’re hating on someone who has been clinically diagnosed by professionals based on his behavior and mannerisms as having numerous psychological conditions. He’s an addict. He’s addicted to power and money. I pity him. I pray for him, and then I thank him.

You see, Donny is not what’s wrong with this country. Donald Trump wasn’t the sole person who took social services away from the poor and needy; that started 40 years ago. The same with immigration, tax cuts to the rich, inequities between the haves and have nots; the list goes on ad Infinitum. In fact it’s the corruption in politics in general that got him elected in the first place. Corporations buying legislation to benefit themselves, super PACs, gerrymandering, voter suppression, and inequality itself opened up a hole for him to crawl into because people have lost faith in the system.

So why do I love Donald Trump?

1) Because by loving him as a human being, he doesn’t have control of me. I disagree with his actions, but by loving him, like I would any sick person, he doesn’t live in my head. I don’t have this hatred festering inside of me and therefore he has no control of my feelings, fears, or emotions.

2) He’s showing this country all that is wrong with it. Every injustice, all the corruption, all the holes in our democracy are being amplified and if we take this opportunity to come together as human beings to agree on what needs to get fixed instead of focusing on what’s broken, we can emerge from this period in history as a truly better nation. It just takes the courage to put aside emotion, hate, and fear and focus on what will make us better in the long run.

3) He has exposed fake news. After years of watching hundreds of hours of videos that came from ‘the media, I realized that I wasn’t getting news, I was getting carefully curated and edited video to spark a reaction in me and hence earning money for the the 6 corporations that control 90% of ‘the media’. I don’t think Trump understands it; he uses the catch-phrase ‘fake news’ when he wants to deflect attention away from anything that would disturb his narrative as a great leader to his base. But the fact is, that most of the reporting Americans consume, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox News, as well as print media are controlled by 6 corporations… Comcast, Time Warner, News Corp, Disney, Warner Brothers, and CBS own and control 90% of ‘the media’. Then social media and Google serve up video based on our own confirmation bias needs to keep us engaged in consuming videos that give us that dopamine hit that we’re on the right side of history. The truth is, we’re all at fault for placing all that is wrong in this country squarely on 1 person. There are thousands of people both past and present that have put this country into the state it is right now. Constantly banging on the president does nothing to repair the problems in this country. All it does is sow further and further division between each other while taking our eye off the ball of all the problems that have nothing to do with the president and the people behind it. Apart from all that, these for profit entertainment television commentary ‘news’ channels run what amounts to free advertising to people who are doing wrong by society, like mask and quarantine protesters, hence recruiting more people to join the dissidents. All of this is fake news because it’s not need, it’s entertainment that people consume, just like any other tv show, that makes money for the corporations.

Should he be re-elected… prior to the pandemic I would have been ok with him being re-elected. I wouldn’t vote for him, but like any addict, they have to hit rock bottom before they get help. And I was hoping that rock bottom would hit prior to his re-election, but I wasn’t sure it was going to happen. It was inevitable that his leadership would lead to a disaster and if it didn’t happen under his watch, whoever inherited this shit show would take the fall. But now I say Donald Trump should not be re-elected because his job of opening people’s eyes to what’s wrong with this country and activating people to address what has been going on for 4 decades with impunity has been accomplished and there’s nothing left but for us to unite as a country and actually make America a better nation.

Politicians want us to fight each other so we don’t fight them. The media fuel this fire by only reporting on what makes them money and all this has lead us to the devastated nation that we are in now. If we unite on what’s right for human beings and stop fighting each other, we have an amazing opportunity to evolve as human beings and provide fairness and equality for all… you just have to lead with love.

The way forward is to stop talking about the president and start addressing problems to the government at large. Trumps worst nightmare is if everyone stopped saying his name. He lives off of negative attention. His base thrive off it. If the left would just shut their mouths and start focusing on solutions rather than problems, we could unite and fix this nation.

I Love Human Beings!

You may have heard of these mythic creatures or maybe even know a few. They do exist and they’re everywhere.! You may even be one yourself.

I want to remind people about human beings because I feel that over the years, particularly more recently, the population has slowly forgotten about the human part in people. I see that individuals are being seen less as human beings and more as belonging to a group or what I call a label.

Instead of being seen as individuals who have different ideas, dreams, goals, preferences, hobbies, creativity, political beliefs, gender, orientation, size, shape, color, age, national pride, and most importantly, love. Love of their family, pets, friends, coworkers, ideas, etc. Everyone is unique and no 2 people are exactly alike so it’s unfair to judge a person based on your perception of the label you’ve slapped on them.

The problem nowadays is that we’re grouped under a label, and as such, we’re accepted or rejected because people have a general preconceived idea of the label and judge the label and not look at an individual’s attributes.

Look at how people judge republicans, liberals, immigrants, etc. They don’t know the people, they just know the label and love or hate accordingly. Even the perceived worst of the worst have some good in them and are loved by someone; like me, because I love all human beings… equally!

As part of my journey of removing hate from my life, I needed to take a long hard look at the people around me. And I had to stop judging people because I didn’t see them as an individual; I saw them as the label; I slapped it on them and judged them accordingly.

The dilemma here is that I was judging people without even knowing them. It wasn’t until I started talking one one one with people of all walks that I began to understand that just because a person is affiliated with a group it doesn’t mean they’re all-in to everything the group stands for. Most of the time, the label describes the crazy outliers and not the people who moderately support an organization or person.

SInce I came to realize individuality, and became more self-aware, I was able to embrace love fully and, consequently, accept every human being into my heart equally. As a result, I stopped judging people completely. Along with this new found love for my fellow human beings, I found love for myself which was sorely lacking my whole life.

Of course there are people who do things I don’t agree with based on my own beliefs, but that doesn’t stop me from loving them. I am able to separate the human from their actions, and as such, I can still love the person but disagree with their actions. I don’t have to let them into my life. I just need to love them and set healthy boundaries so I can avoid conflict and consequently keep them in my heart.

This way of treating people with kindness and not casting judgement has had a profound effect on me not only mentally, but physically and spiritually as I’ve found that loving people means that they don’t live in my head. I don’t have to sit around constantly brooding about how much I hate them.

Hating someone only hurts yourself. It’s like taking poison to kill someone else. The person you hate most likely doesn’t know or care if you hate them or not. Moreover, when you hate, you lose a piece of yourself and jeopardizing your personal serenity. Those who hold on to hate are allowing that person or label to occupy your mind. They then have power over you and can affect you negatively every time they open their mouths.

When you lead with love, you not only get the satisfaction of being the bigger person, but also your mind isn’t clutter with useless thoughts which could be better spent on positive activities.

Love you!

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I Love Dog Poop!

There is no greater non-human companion you can have in your life than having a pet. Whether it be a snake, rat, pig, or cat, people love their babies as if they actually birthed them.

Regardless of your pet of choice, dogs are the one pet that causes the most controversy. The root of the problem is the act of picking up puppy presents that inevitably happen during multiple daily walks.

In most cities you can walk down any street that has high doggie traffic and find a puppy pile laying on someone’s lawn or sidewalk. For some people, this is an affront to all that is holy in the universe. How irresponsible could you be, as a dog owner, to not pick up after your child! They go to social media like Nextdoor or post pictured ‘Wanted’ posters around the neighborhood to shame and ‘educate’ the villains. Their speech is hateful and degrading as they try to control the actions of people in their community.

I can empathize with their distaste for this problem as no one wants to go around dodging doggie land mines especially when your eyes are planted on your phone and you don’t see the crap trap before it’s too late.

The way to solve the problem is not by dropping f-bombs, demanding people change their behavior, or playing poop police for your entire neighborhood. The way to make any positive change is through kindness.

When someone feels attacked they are instantly in a defensive position. They’re not listening to your message; they’re defending themselves and their sole goal is to win the argument no matter how many facts, figures, or public statutes you cite supporting your case. In order to affect positive change is to attack the problem from a place of love and compassion.

My personal approach is to just pick it up and poo it forward. I don’t assume the offending feces was intentionally left behind by a thoughtless owner. I’ve been in the position where I’ve run out of bags when my dogs output exceeded the number of bags I brought. Though I do go back to try and find it, sometimes it’s not possible.

Getting angry does nothing but make you miserable. So the take away, other than a poop bag, is to take a kind and gentle approach to change people’s thoughts, behaviors, or actions or just be the bigger person and do a favor for a neighbor. A little love goes a long way.

Love you!

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I Love Government Cheese

Having grown up in a household that had to sometimes rely on the generosity of Uncle Sam, I was unknowingly grateful for that big orange block of chemicals that would magically appear in our fridge from time to time. I say unknowingly, because my mother never told us until we were well into adulthood that she shamefully had to depend on government assistance when we were kids.

My mother was a very proud and hard working woman. She worked her butt, and her very last nerve, off raising 4 hellion children on her own. She worked midnights as a nurse and exhaustedly came home to the chaos of 4 kids, with an age gap of 7 years, who whined, cried and fought their way off to school everyday.

This is when she could start her second job as the house keeper. Like Cinderella, she did the chores, mended the clothes, and, if she was lucky, find a few hours to sleep before the next wave of terror would charge through the front door signaled by the ringing of the school bell. That’s when her third shift started managing to feed and entertain us and get us tucked into bed so she could start it all over again.

She sacrificed her whole life, happiness, and sanity for a rowdy bunch of brats who never appreciated the sacrifices she made for them. We always wanted for more as our neighbors and friends always seemed to have more than us, but she always tried her best to make us happy.

Having an irresponsible ex-husband who unreliably paid the court ordered pittance to support his offspring, my mother reluctantly turned to the government for help when there was no where left to turn. She didn’t do it because she was lazy, she didn’t do it to take advantage of the system, she did It because she had to care for her family. I can’t say that I grew up in poverty because I was much more fortunate than so many millions of people who try to provide for their families on far, far less. I do, however recall feeling the burden that my mother was under during my whole childhood. If I were in the same situation today, with the social programs available to poor families or families on the brink of poverty, I can honestly say that there is no way I could survive.

As I was discussing this topic with a friend, he said he didn’t know about government cheese. I was kind of shocked because I thought it was common knowledge. Today, Government Cheese is a term that’s synonymous with getting a handout from the government in the form of housing, cash and/or food assistance; aka welfare. But the origin of government cheese comes from 80’s when, then President Reagan, wanted to artificially increase the demand for milk. They turned the milk into cheese, butter, and powdered milk that was stored in 150 warehouses across 35 states. It was then distributed in generic boxes to people who needed food assistance. The cheese itself arrived in a nondescript generic box that contained a huge 5 pound slab of bright orange ‘cheese’. What was actually in it was a mystery, but it melted nicely, it lasted for a long time, and as far as I remember, it was pretty tasty.

Over the last 40 years, welfare became a 4 letter word in this country. When the welfare system was created during the Great Depression there was no shame to be had. It was a humanitarian effort to provide for the basic amenities for people in need. Most people who were on assistance were given the help they needed to get back on their feet and provide for their families on their own and later thrive because they were able to bounce back without first having to dig themselves out of a hole.

Since the great days of government cheese, the social safety nets that were put in place to protect the needy have slowly been dismantled to provide less assistance to less people. This has had a disproportionate ripple affect to people of color as they are more likely to experience multigenerational poverty. Where people of higher economic standing have wealth to pass on to future generations, people who live in poverty have nothing but debt to pass on to their heirs. This creates the large communities of families who are homeless or barely making ends meet with no hope of ever escaping.

As we are now on the brink of another Great Depression, maybe even a Greater Depression, millions of people who have never given a second thought about financial security are looking to the government to help them get through this tragedy.

Though I’m grateful that the government has stepped up to provide during this national/global crisis, the national crisis started when the government started and continues to cut social programs for people in need; all people in need, all the time. This is why I wrote a few days ago in my post ‘I Love Pandemics’ that I see this crisis as a gift.

It’s now abundantly clear the gaping holes that are present in our social safety net. It’s saddens me that it’s fine to let people live in poverty or homeless on the street when the economy is doing great, but when the middle class and rich are affected, all of the sudden the maximum unemployment amount is insufficient, we need to send everyone a stimulus check, and provide bailout money to keep the country on life support. Could this be considered reparations of a failed government? Perhaps these types of reparations should be revisited again in the near future to help the poor and homeless people in this country all to a life that is livable and affordable.

As a result of insufficient government planning, and lack of social support programs, the spread of the coronavirus had a much more devastating effect compared with other countries who have good social support programs for their people. Where in Europe, people knew they would be able to survive and pay for food and bills when asked to stay home. In the US, even under the threats to the health and lives of themselves and their families, people continued to work long after the virus was hitting the nation hard because they were more concerned about receiving an overdue notice than they were for the well-being of themselves and others. This just shouldn’t be possible in the richest country in the world.

Politicians have long used the pitiful excuse that people on welfare are lazy and all they want to do is sit on the couch all day and watch tv. They do this as justification to cut social programs so they can cut taxes. As we have all been equalized to a simulated state of being on welfare, can you honestly imagine spending your whole life getting a check to watch tv?

We as humans have hopes, dreams and goals to live the best life we can live. Isn’t it fair that everyone should have equal opportunity to experience a fruitful and fulfilling life? I’m sure there are such people who want to binge reruns of Friends for the rest of their lives, and I think they should have that right if they want. But I truly believe that if everyone in this country never had to worry about food, shelter or education, the American dream would come back to life again.

Love you!

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I Love Traffic

Ahhhh traffic… it’s the Southern Californian equivalent to complaining about the weather.

Though pretty much all cities deal with their version of traffic, Los Angeles makes traffic in the rest of the world seem like a pleasant Sunday country drive. Rush hour starts in January and ends on New Years Eve. I’ve, no lie, been stuck in an hours long traffic jam at 4am. It’s not cute.

If cars were Christmas lights, Los Angeles freeways are the equivalent of untangling a twisted and tangled ball of Christmas lights half the size of the state of Rhode Island… every single day! Where else can you have 18 lanes, 9 on each side, of completely immobile cars. Only in LA baby.

Every day is like the front door of Walmart on Black Friday with mobs of people all trying to push their way one car length closer to their destination by any means possible. It can take you an hour to drive 5 miles. So there’s no wonder that everyone who has to commute to work dreads their daily pilgrimage.

After years of screaming driving lessons and obscenities to everyone who can’t hear me nor could give a damn, I have taken the high road; pun intended. I saw the effect that traffic had on my stress and anxiety levels, not to mention my vocal chords, and decided to embraced traffic, and have since, come to love it. To hate it was like taking poison to kill someone else.

I started by arming myself with lots of entertainment in the form of audio books, podcasts, music and the occasional call to an old friend to catch-up. This way I could take my mind off the snail-paced trek and enjoy the time I had in the car.

But what about all the rude, obnoxious, and down right terrible drivers who cut people off, ride their brakes, blare their horns and flip you the middle one gun salute? I block it all out with kindness.

I just let the traffic do whatever it wants to do and let people in whenever they want. I imagine that every bad move, gesture, or dirty look has a positive spin to it. The guy who cuts me off; his mom is probably in the hospital and needs to get there fast. The guy who drives so slow he could be moving backwards; he must be tired from working a long night shift and doesn’t want to cause an accident. The dirty looks and obscene gestures; I just wave, smile and say have a blessed day.

I may not get to my destination in record time, but the time I spend driving is joyful, relaxing, and it takes a hell of a lot of stress out of my day. Try it out… it’ll change your life.

Love you!

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I Love Pandemics

The world I WILL be pursuing, as we all weather this storm, will be one of love, compassion, and equality for everyone.

This pandemic is a sign. If you believe in a power greater than yourself, you can call it a message from god or whatever deity you prefer; if not you can call it a wake up call. I call it a gift.

Everything the people of the world are witnessing and experiencing right now is the beginning of the end. Not the annihilation of the world, but the end of the world as we know it. The world has been building to this point for centuries. I don’t believe in prophecies or a judgement day, but I do believe in seizing the moment.

The old world we’ve been inhabiting for the last 60+ years has improved technologically beyond our wildest dreams but declined ideologically to the darkest pools of mire.

The old world of bias and bigotry, of inequality and imbalance; and of intolerance and hatred of our fellow human beings has run its course and it’s time to put down our actual and preverbal guns and open our arms (at a safe social distance) and embrace our fellow human beings.

We need an end to governments and those entities who tangentially control them who treat its citizens more like slaves and masters rather than equal human beings. The time and evidence now before us demonstrates that we all are entitled to equal rights and protections under the law regardless of color, size, age, health, party affiliation, sex, orientation, origin, preference, nationality, wealth, education, crime, langage, family, et al…. Equal to have a basic standard of living that everyone can afford and attain. Basic to not have to ever worry about food, healthcare, education, or a safe place to live ever again.

The signs were evident for a very long time, but we walked past them or looked the other way as it suited us. We’ve been beholden to a toxic political system where leaders are selected, of all political leanings, who put their personal agenda above the general welfare of their constituents. Where we as people slap labels on swaths of the population like ‘Republicans’, ‘Liberals’, ‘Corporations’, ‘Muslims’, ‘Christians’, ‘Latinos’, ‘Asians’, ‘Whites’, ‘Blacks’, ‘Blue or Red’ and make them friend or foe accordingly.

Public discourse has devolved to isolating ourselves into bubbles of like minded people by blocking any dissenting viewpoint while simultaneously berating, belittling, and down right disrespecting people who have differing perspectives on the world because they’ve been grouped together under a label.

We, as human beings are all individuals, not labels. We all have unique experiences, affiliations, fears, ideas, and goals. We all deserve to be treated with respect and need to treat all human beings equally. We can respectfully disagree with the actions or beliefs of an individual or organization, but respect the underlying human beings who may belong to an organization as they may or may not subscribe to every covenant that is associated with the label. We need to learn how to engage in thoughtful constructive communication where we speak to each other, not at one another, with respect and agreeing to respectfully disagree when you can’t come to a consensus. Speaking from a bully pulpit degrading large swaths of people or organizations (aka labels) does not unite us, it separates us and polarizes everyone.

These old ways of division are over. We’ve all been humbled down to the same level across the globe. We’re all finally equal… equally scared, equally uncertain, and equally vulnerable.

The end of the world, as I see it unfolding in front of me, is a moment in history where the world is slowing down, sputtering along, slowly winding down around us as it gets ready to shutdown, upgrade, and reboot.

Where the signs were surreptitious in the past, in the current environment they are clear; you can see them blatantly everyday. A disease that is growing exponentially that could could potentially kill millions, if not hundreds of millions of people; the panic and fear across the globe; the empty store shelves, hoarding of food (and for some crazy reason toilet paper); people who refuse to quarantine because they’re more afraid of a bill than the potential to spread a potentially lethal disease; and through it all we are still holding on to the ineffective ways of communication by degrading and attacking people with whom we don’t agree. This division has many culprits, from the media to political parties, but it is we as human beings who allow it to continue to propagate.

As we are living today, in what seems like the worst of humanity, I see the future post-pandemic world taking shape. I see people reaching out to friends, neighbors, and people they don’t even know extending a hand of peace, love, and assistance to those in need. I see a government that is begrudgingly acquiescing to enact programs to help those in need after decades of dismantling social programs that could have aided in quelling the rampent spread of this virus in this country in particular.

This is our moment for every human being on the planet, to shape the new world. To unite around ideas and solutions that protect everyone. It’s time for Earth 2.0.

It’s not going to be easy and we’ll most likely not get it right the first or fiftieth time around. But we can continue to thrive for a better world around the common goal of equality and social security for all.

Like any disaster, it’s starts with panic, fear, and selfishness to fend for ourselves during a time of unknown. But as is also true in the aftermath of any disaster, the true human nature takes over and people exit their homes, if they are so fortunate to do so, and help the community rebuild. And that’s exactly what I am already seeing and plan to do as we move forward.

I wish everyone, whether we agree with each other or not, good health and safe passage through this historic global event.

Love you!

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I Love Conflict

Once upon a time, on a Galaxy phone not too far away, I thought of online or personal conflict as an opportunity to battle to the proverbial death.

As I used to be a first responder when it came to attacking thoughts or ideas that didn’t align with mine, whether it be face to face or online, I used anger, rage, belittling, berating, and down right insulting people with whom I disagreed. As I saw it, everyone was entitled to my opinion and I salivated at the chance to confront anyone on any topic.

During my reign as a verbal and literary terrorist, I was perplexed that very few people were surrendering to my demands to think like me. My remarks were cutting, witty, and most importantly, I was RIGHT! Of course there were those who completely agreed with me and consequently fueled my mission to clone the world consciousness to my will. I encircled myself with my troops of like minded people and pushed away the enemies.

I, of course, was not a unique player in this global game of mind control. But I finally gave up the fight as the 2016 election truly pushed me over the edge and after spending years of battling to have my views understood, I finally got so frustrated I just threw up my hands and surrendered. I shut my mouth and distanced myself from social media as well as the rest of the world.

During my isolation from social battling, I took some time to reassess my life. I was suffering from depression and anxiety as I felt that the world was coming to an devastating end and I had the solutions, but no one was listening. That’s when I discovered love; not just the love of a person or thing, but the love of everything.

After studying with spiritual and kind hearted people, I learned that being ‘right’ is a perspective, not a license to freely treat people abrasively based on differing perspectives. This was a life changer for me. It made me understand and empathize with other people and their perspectives. Because a single hateful rant on Facebook doesn’t convey their pains, experience, goals, dreams, or, personality. This is when I changed my approach to communication.

Where I used to take the offensive hateful approach, I started listening more and talking less. In doing so, I started to learn that starting a conversation from a place of love, rather than hate, I found that people were more receptive to what I had to say. In fact I starting talking about the importance of love and empathy in all conversations. And the more I practiced these simple techniques, I found that I was actually achieving my goal of imparting my views on people; and though we didn’t always agree on all points the other party almost always agreed that my approach of leading with love was the way we all should be communicating.

Being kinder and gentler in my approach to civil discourse had a profound effect not only on me and my hope for the world but also those I spoke with as well as with those with whom our ideals did not align. It did so much for me personally as I finally found a way to communicate and felt like I was being heard.

With my new found powers of love and compassion, I felt energized and went back online to practice these skills back on social media. Regrettably, these skills do not translate to the land of social-online-distancing. I found no matter how kind or non-confrontational I was in my discourse, I was treated as I was before; the enemy for not agreeing with their views. I can’t say that I was surprised, but I did have hope. I just had to accept that the online world doesn’t promote unity and the sharing of ideas, but rather social bubbles of like minded people who literally or figuratively block people based on perspectives.

I understand all too well this realm of perpetual discontent as I was a perpetrator in the faceless semi-anonymous avatar-world that is social media. This was my main reason for starting this blog as it gives me a platform to share my journey of replacing hate in my life and the world with love and hope.

My new way of interacting in the various nebulous clouds is to guide people to use kindness and love towards the people they are trying to influence rather than language that promotes anger, division, and hate.

Ultimately, I’ve found these skills I have acquired are best used in face to face discussions. When you have to look someone in the eye, it’s much more difficult, for most good people, to be cruel, dismissive, or unreasonable. It doesn’t, however, prevent them from sprinting in the other direction when they see you coming.

You can’t change the world by screaming at it, but you certainly can one person at a time when you lead with love.

Love you!

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I Love Hate

Yes sir, you got that right… I LOVE me some hate. Before I get into why, let me first explain this blog.

I’ve been pondering this idea for the last couple years and I really didn’t know how I wanted to express myself. All I knew is that hate had become so incredibly toxic in my own life and I feel like it’s tearing the world apart.  

I first set out to remove hate from my life. When hate arises in me whether it be traffic, politics or when McDonald’s doesn’t put the lid on my cup correctly, I sit back, take a breath, and find the good in the situation. In doing so, I’ve found that life, people, and situations that surround me have gotten a lot easier to accept, and this in turn has greatly improved my quality of life.

I came up with the idea that ‘All Hate Matters’ because it’s a bit of a double-entendre. On one hand it’s a blog where I intend to discuss all matters of hate from politics to avocado toast eaters and everything in between. In addition, the name of the blog is exactly what I’m trying to say; All hate matters, it has significance and importance in the world, because there is no good hate. If you’re hating on someone, something, or somewhere, it matters. It matters because it’s toxic to the hater and in general hate is not a way forward. It’s not a way for us to evolve to the next level. The only thing hate does is keep us from understanding each other, communicating, and making the world a better place to live. So ultimately, I want to save the world; one topic at a time. Lofty dreams I know, but ya gotta start somewhere, right?

When I try to talk about hate with people, I leave the conversation like a losing beauty pageant contestant; like I tried to exit stage right then was pushed the other way because I was supposed to exit stage left, tripped on my gown and now I’m stumbling across the stage in shame with my tiara hanging from a tuft of hair, I have lipstick smeared on my teeth, my mascara is running down my face and I have a general feeling of ‘what the fuck just happened?’ I know that sounds a bit over dramatic, but it’s really so frustrating trying to get people to see things in a different light. People get so stuck on making their point on why their hate is justified they refuse to listen to anything that doesn’t support their views.

When I first started writing I had a really tough time because I wanted the title of each article to start, ‘I Hate…’. In my head, when I think of the phrase ‘I hate hate’, it sounds like a perfect I-have-no-idea-what-the-fuck-to-say beauty pageant answer that would end with, ‘… and world peace.’

As a person with ADH<squirrel>D, it’s hard enough to get my point across without getting derailed or diverted to another subject. What I needed was a way to organize my thoughts to clearly and succinctly get out my message out without distraction (and the ability to edit). It’s really hard to get my message out with people trying to inject their opinion, usually hateful, before I’ve even finished my explanation; especially when I start out with “I Love President Trump” (stay tuned for that one). Therefore, I feel this blog will be the perfect medium for this kind of content. 

As I’ve been trying to start this blog the thought of where to start has been swirling in my head. ‘At the very beginning…’ conjures tunes from ‘The Sound of Music’ in my head and how can you think about hate when ‘Do-re-mi’ is dancing through my mind?

Beginning my articles with ‘I Hate…” left me with a lot of topics of hate that I’ve overcome or want humanity to overcome, but not a lot of content to back it up. It was like the hate was holding me back. It wasn’t until I started to lead with ‘I Love…’ that the words started flowing. For this, I really must credit a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”. Whoa! That blew my mind… that’s exactly what I want people to get out of this blog which is to find the love in the world and tone down or eliminate the hate.

So there you have it, I love hate; because as I identify and eliminate it from my life, I’m hoping that I can pass on my experience to others and maybe make this world a little bit happier.

I hope you enjoy the journey with me and learn to love a little more in the process.

Love you!

I Love Me

I love me… I LOVE me…. I love ME!!!! I really, really do!!!! Like the smartest, cutest, most adorable, loving, faithful, innocent, obedient, little puppy in the whole wide world; I love ME… just like that. 

Ok… Ok… let me quell the cringing and judgement of the grammar-nazis out there. I intentionally chose to reference ‘me’ rather than ‘myself’ because I’m writing this as if I’m not the person I’m talking about. I want anyone reading this to be able to <insert name here> when they see the word ‘me’ so they can imagine what it’s like to feel the words ‘I love Malcolm’ or ‘I love Becki’. Plus, using ‘me’ sticks out because it doesn’t sound quite right, and for a long time, loving me didn’t sound quite right either.

Besides being grammatically different, saying ‘I love Jeffrey’ rather than ‘I love myself’ has a slightly different psychological effect; at least for me it does. ‘Myself’, a reflexive pronoun, is used when the speaker both performs and receives the verb’s action, but I’m stepping outside of my body to talk about two different people (a.k.a., the old me and the new me). I feel that when I say ‘I love myself’ it somehow feels diluted, not as strong, not as referential to the person for whom I want to express love.

By now, if you’re still reading, you may be thinking, ‘What is this nut-job talking about and why is he giving me a grammar lesson?’. Well, here goes… I know I’m not alone in having spent years, decades, large fractions of a century hating a person I should have loved. The person I should have cared for the most in this world. The person I didn’t want to be; that person is Donald Trump… HA! The person is me. (But I do love Donald Trump… stay tuned for my post on that; it will change your life)

Any decent therapist, given enough time and money, will eventually extricate the root of all your problems. (My therapist is the best in the world and will give me free therapy after reading this, right Tom?) It’s that pain, those memories, that trauma you’ve buried deep, Deep, DEEP in a part of your head, under lock and key… and booze… and drugs… The pain you thought you or no one else in the universe would ever find and consequently relive again, <spoiler alert> it usually goes back to your childhood; or your mother; or your mother’s childhood.            `

Growing up, I was super popular from first grade through high school. If getting your ass kicked counted as sex, I would’ve been the school slut because I got it all day every day. Before school, lunch, recess, after school, and at home; it didn’t matter who or why, I was an easy target for anyone and everyone who needed to show dominance over me. It didn’t matter if they were older, younger, related to me or didn’t even know me, everyone seemed to want a piece of me.  

I don’t consider myself a complete victim in all these circumstances because I now know I played a part in many of these attacks. Whether it be the tattle tale, the easy target, the cry baby, the person who didn’t know how to walk away, the person who didn’t know how to effectively communicate, the person who didn’t know self-defense, the antagonist, the seeker of negative attention, ad infinitum.

On top of all the scars from childhood came the inadequacies induced by the media who hypnotized me into thinking that I was physically undesirable. They told me I should have the right height to weight ratio, hair color, face symmetry, wardrobe, style, etc. I was surreptitiously being programed to hate my exterior by nearly every ad, movie, and TV show I watched.

The pickle on top of my shit sandwich came in adulthood. It came in the form of blaming myself for all that I wasn’t. If I got rejected, it was my fault. If something didn’t go as expected, I was to blame. I set out to change it, to not be at fault and in doing so, I put all the world’s problems on my shoulders (or rather in my head) and the world is one heavy ass mo-fo (not fat shaming, it’s just a really big mo-fo)

My solution was to bury the pain by either forgetting it or thinking I had forgiven it. I wore my collective buried trauma as a badge of honor and strength because I survived it and it made me who I had become; an unauthentic me. The flaw in this strategy is that pain doesn’t just go away; you can run, but you can’t hide from it. I may have buried it in my head, but it was still there, waiting for the right scenario to come out and bite me emotionally. Seeing a kid getting bullied by another kid would trigger an emotion and I would react to that emotion in strange ways like blaming the victim or losing my temper over something totally unrelated; the whole time not realizing what I was doing. I was running on autopilot. My sole purpose in life was just to make myself happy. To keep me laughing no matter the cost because laughter is the best medicine.

I became a different person; someone who wasn’t me. The old me didn’t feel loved, had one friend, a broken family, and that wasn’t enough. I needed more and I wanted to get as far away from that person as possible. I pushed away people who didn’t elevate my social status. I built up these fake lives with not so much fake people but people who perceived me as someone else. These lives of fiction inevitably crumbled horrifically at my feet and I was left painfully alone to pick up the pieces.

I wanted the life I fantasized about; that I saw on TV. I wanted a ‘Brady Bunch’ family, a dog named ‘Lassie’, ‘Happy Days’ friends, ‘Wonder Woman’ strength (and the lasso… and maybe the tiara), and ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’ looks. If you don’t understand any of those references, I’ll translate to 2020 tv… I wanted a ‘Modern Family’ family, Brian from ‘Family Guy’, ‘Friends’ friends, still ‘Wonder Woman’s” strength and lasso, but not the tiara, and ‘Thor’ looks. If you don’t understand those references, I’m sorry, you’re probably too young to be reading this.

As Judge Judy, one of my favorite fast-food tv shows, says to defendants trying to obfuscate the truth “If you tell the truth, then you don’t have to have a good memory”. I truly relate to this quote because when you’re living lies for years, it’s exhausting trying to remember how you’re supposed to act across all your different social and work groups, who knows what lies and what truths, and keeping everything straight so as not to be found out. It’s mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting.

In order to keep everything together, I had to have complete control of every and all situations. Control became my drug. Everything had to be my way, and even if it didn’t go my way, I would make the failure into a win one way or another. I was extremely vengeful and manipulative. If I was wronged, I would get even with someone; it didn’t have to necessarily be the person who wronged me. I held on to resentments until they had been satisfactorily repaid and even then, I may not let it go. If someone cut me off in traffic, I would follow them for 50 miles just so I could pull along side them to give them the middle-one-gun salute before cutting them off. It was utter insanity.

I became a perfectionist, everything I did had to be perfect and if it wasn’t, I would work harder and longer until it was. People weren’t allowed in the house unless it was white-glove clean. At work I didn’t just know and do my job, I knew everyone’s job. I didn’t need to rely on anyone, I could do everything myself. This made me the best worker because I knew everything and I could use my power to get more of what I craved; more control.

At the same time, I wanted everyone to love me and a perfectionist, manipulative, vengeful, controlling, insecure, self-loathing, mean-girl isn’t someone you want to be friends with. So, I hid a lot of it from the world and did most of my evil deeds in whispers. I would setup people to fail, planted unrelated rumors that would expose another’s weaknesses. I was extremely passive-aggressive to lash out at those who defied me; self-deprecating to maintain appearance of humility; and judgmental of others to compensate for my inadequacies. If things got out of hand and I was called on my behavior I would use the phrase, ‘I’m just joking’ as I usually was trying to make people laugh so they would like me.

The one thing I held onto tight through all the iterations of me was the hate I had for the person I really was deep down. I hated that I was nerdy and had to hide it. That I mocked Star Trek geeks when, in reality, I wanted to hang out with them.  That I was insecure about my appearance and had to pretend I wasn’t. That I took my insecurities out on other people by judging them, making fun of them, pointing out their flaws, and passing judgement on those who weren’t like me; fake and fabulous.

My self-hatred made me a miserable mean-girl and I really just wanted to be a nice loving person, but that wasn’t cool; or so I thought. It’s funnier to take pictures of people wearing clothes that are too tight and posting it on Facebook to get a quick laugh and hence a small burst of dopamine from what I thought was validation of my great sense of humor. I hid behind my social network and didn’t care about anyone except for the people who made me feel good. The rest of the world could fuck the fuck off. My world, my mind, my spirit, my soul, and my happiness all became smaller and smaller until I was just sad and alone.

So, to fix everything, I started loving me. The end…

Oh, if only it were just that simple! In order to love me, I had to stop the hate. At first, I thought I just needed to stop hating me. Just stop it… ok 1, 2, 3… stop hating now! Ok, that didn’t work; 3, 2, 1…  stop hating NOW! It took a lot more than just love at first sight when you know nothing about the person. When I’ve hated me, despised me, avoided me,  I needed to get to know me. I needed to understand what it was I hated so I could resolve it, make peace with it, and love it as an asset or as a defect.

As I slowly dug deep into what I hated about me, I discovered that the roots of hate were related to other people, places, communities, organizations, or past experiences. I hated that I was overweight, then understand what is overweight. Over who’s weight? Who decided my self-worth was determined by a number? It wasn’t that I was overweight, I was under-tall… if I were taller, I wouldn’t have this belly sticking out of my torso and the number would be socially acceptable to the world. There was my problem; my weight wasn’t the problem, the belly was the problem. Who decided that bellies were a problem? Pretty much everyone who was insecure about their weight. All the beautiful people that are idolized because their DNA is predisposed to metabolize food better than me. Or they don’t get to ever eat ice cream. Or a million different reasons why they  look the way they do and I don’t.

I had to adopt love as my default. Because everything and everyone that I hated, mocked, judged, and/or pushed out of my life lead me to a very dark and lonely place. I had to drop the acts and become a new me; the real me. At this point I had nothing to lose, but I also had a lot to learn on my quest to love me.

This is so cliché, but I had to start treating me how I wanted to be treated. I’ve heard this my whole life, but it never clicked. Would I let someone else treat me the way I did? Would I fat shame someone I loved? Well, I used to, but not to their face. Now I don’t fat shame anyone, but I still fat shamed me. I no longer judge people on their looks, or age, or height to weight ratio, or what they believe in, or how they live their lives, so why was I doing it to me. These were remnants of my past when I did judge people. When I was compensating for my own insecurities. I had to break myself down and love every single itty-bitty thing about me. From my greying hair to my ice cream belly, I had to love it all. No more saying I’m fat. No more saying I’m ugly, no more saying I wish I had what someone else has. No more wishing I could look different. No more trying to get people to like me based on what I wore or how much money I had, or the material objects I had. I had to get people to like me for me.

I broke me down to the basics. I isolated a lot because I didn’t know who I was. When I did go out and meet new people. I didn’t know what to say. Was what was coming out of my mouth authentic or was I going back to old habits just to be liked. I stopped wearing ‘nice’ clothes and went for comfort. My uniform is a T-shirt and basketball shorts, with or without flipflops. That’s it. I wanted to be vanilla. To be as plain and unnoticeable as possible. I stopped shaving, I didn’t cut my hair. I just wanted to be seen as a person, not a perfect person, just a person.

Finally, as I started to meet and get to know more people I stopped judging me. I started liking me. I liked who I was becoming. I liked authenticity. From there it was an easy jump to love because I’m LOVEABLE! And from there the love I have for me as the rest of the humans on this planet has only gotten stronger. I am a happier and a more complete person. And let me tell you, ice cream tastes so much better when the spoon isn’t made of guilt.

Love you!